June 17, 2014

Well nothing much has changed.  I am at fault for where I am.  If I wnated out I could’ve gotten out, so why try to seek sympathy.  I think this person does love me, the best that they can…for what they know of love. Me, who knows.  I cry at the thought of the loss.  I cry at the thought of all loss. I want my old life back and I ccan’t have it back.  Nothing seems fair to me.  Life I don’t guess was ever guaranteed to be fair.  I most of the time would like to just disappear…off into oblivion…  I doubt if anyone would care…or if I’d be missed…at least not for long. No kids to mourn me.  My parents are home. I never really see what siblings I do have..as far as my life, it is pretty much work and home.  So, what is it??  Why bother…  everyone posts these happy pictures and smiles and I feel mine are false…I don’t know what happiness is or how to really get there.  Nothing seems to make me really happy. 


Depression Sets In

As the holiday rapidly approaches, I find myself feeling more and more sad.

I work 7 days a week.  one full time one part time job.  I will be working on Thanksgiving day. 

I feel so alone.  I feel there is no life in my life. 

I see nothing changing any time. soon.  How do you get away from this feeling? 

I can see myself rapidly closing myself off. 

I am tired.  I am sad.  I wonder why? 


Our office went to lunch together as a group today.  One of our group is moving to a new department.  We have one person that is a newer hire.  A person you really don’t want to be around.  Just seems like they know it all and aren’t happy with anything or anyone.  I wonder what makes people like that.  Loud and opinionate.  Rude.  They don’t ever seem to see it when they are like that. 

Then I find out that before I was hired, I had opinions formed of me.  They were soon corrected and changed, but funny how people can look at things and view things one way, before they even know you.  They want to form opinions. 

It’s sad. 

I don’t let things like that bother me too much, but I thought it may be different…but it’s just the same. 

At least get to KNOW a person before you start looking at something being wrong. 

What if?

The line from Revenge of the Nerds..what if…C-A-T really spelled DOG.????

I work with a 25 year old male.  He is always “thinking”. 

Today he held up a highlighter.  He said we both agree this is blue, he said but what if your idea of blue is different than my idea of blue and it’s really orange.  He said how do we prove it is BLUE.

I told him he made my brain hurt.  You think too much. But can you really think too much? 

When I start thinking of it all, I could drive myself crazy.  Life, death, future, the past?  Did it all really happen?  Will it all continue to happen?  What really does happen after death? Is this all a dream?  If you ponder too long ….  well…. it can all lead you to somewhere dark…scary….


Looking at other blogs.  Everyone is so articulate.  I am just doing this to put my daily thoughts or feelings on paper so I can let them GO… 

Not really looking for a following.  However, I am enjoying being the follower. 

I will definitely not be a literary genius, or have great words composed for anyone to enjoy. 

If someone does run across this, let it be known that this is just the ramblings of a 50 year old woman that needs to vent and not bother her friends. 

Putting things out in this vast void… well…helps.

Another Day

At work.  Listening to Christmas Movies that I love on You Tube. They have entire movies on there.  My phone buffers,  but I need the uplift from these movies I have loved from my childhood.  They take me back.  One of my favorites…The Homecoming (The Waltons).  They don’t put that on any more.  I don’t know why, but I have ALWAYS loved it.  I may be one of the few that does.

I get so sad this time. of year.  Eleven more days and it will be be the anniversary of my mother’s passing.  I don’t think I have ever quite recovered from that.  I wonder if anyone does. 

I worked last night.  Interesting as always.  I stay so tired. 70-80 hours a week. Seven days a week. I wonder at times how I am standing. 

My older sister told me I seemed flat.  Not happy.  What is happy?  How do you define true happiness?  It seems fleetings. It’s moments but it’s not a forever feeling.  At least not for me.

I stopped at my friend Debbi’s last night.  Had a nightcap.  It was 10:30.  i didn’t tell the man I live with that I stopped.  I have no ME time. I needed a ‘moment’ .  I don’t generally do anything like that. 

I’m in constant pain. Daily.  I am tired.  Daily.  I am sad.  Daily.  I think …what can I do to make things better?  I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.  Therapy hasn’t really helped.  I decided to “blog” but this is more like my on-line journal.  I am just putting it out there trying to get things off my chest.  Praying.