Taking a Stand

So, I am in a relationship that is most likely unhealthy

I am the one that is working and taking care of US.  It should be a joint venture.

He didn’t seem to be this way in the beginning, but he lost his job and he has been in a spiral.

I have been standing up for myself, but then, when I do, I feel guilty!!  Why is that?  I get to work and I start to cry.  I hate being hateful.  I hate being in another relationship that seems destined to die.  What am I doing wrong?  Why do I make these choices and just continue to try and better them? 

I really don’t know why I am on this earth most of the time.  If this is LIVING, well….

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Therapy

I just read a blog that discussed what they learned in therapy.

I’ve been to therapy.  I went faithfully for years. 

I still feel the same things I felt then.  I am co-dependent passive.  I base my worth on doing things for other people,  and I never seem to really concentrate on myself.  Is there a cure for this?  I’m thinking NOT.  I find it impossible to change WHO I AM.  It can stink. 

I’ve changed a few things.  I aspire to be someone different.  Is that a good thing? 

Ahhh…life. 

Really what’s it all about?

11-12-13

Well I will never see this “date” again in my lifetime.  Kind of cool

November is a hard month.  I lost my mother on Nov 25, 2006.  I have never quite recovered from that.  I have trouble dealing with loss.

Then when my divorce happened in 2012, I had more loss.  I still have not recovered from that. 

I don’t know how to let go.

Then I go from one poor choice to another.  Why?  Why do I continue to do this to myself.

Currently, I am working two jobs.  Seven days a week.  One full time and one part time, just to make it.  That’s all I do is work.  I don’t really get to have a social life any longer.  At some point you think …why bother?  What is the point to just work and have no REAL life?  I’m working to eat and sleep and have a roof over my head..nothing really to look forward to on a daily basis. 

Then the days get shorter and the Holidays are here.  I don’t get to really participate in anything fun any longer.

I blame my ex husband for divorcing me.  I have yet to really GET MAD, all I do is cry.  I wonder how I could have changed things.  Why did it have to happen.  I had a nice house.  We both suffer now, except he is engaged and says he’s sorry, but he’s happy…even with NO MONEY.  He owes me quite a bit of back alimony.  I could be vendictive and contact the courts and make him come up with it, then no more 2nd job for me, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do that.  I had money, but I met someone that I now care about, yet he’s drained me dry…again..WHY?  Why do these things happen to me.

I do realize there are many, many people much worse off than I am.  That is a given.  However, it doesn’t change the fact that all I do is work, eat, sleep, and pay bills.  How is that called living?  There isn’t even time for volunteer work on relaxation, or to just enjoy a day.  I stay exhausted. 

I try to put on this happy face, although I don’t do it like I used to do it.  It’s like I’ve lost ME somewhere down the line.

I can do nothing to please my twin sister.  She seems to have it all together.  Me, not so much.  Married 30 years.  Money in the bank.  Good husband.  Good kid.  Vacations.  Yes, she’s planned and made better use of her time.  All I’ve done is screw up. 

Yes, at times I feel sorry for myself.  Yes, it’s ok, but you should snap out of it. 

Most of the time, I think though..what does it all really matter??  Why bother?  Why care?  I can’t seem to do enough right… 

I’m not a bad person.  I’ve got a big heart.  I’ve got a caring heart. 

Why me??

November 7, 2013

Well, I decided to start a blog. I thought maybe, just maybe I could just put things out there in a great big void.  Not for comment or for view really, but to just HELP me HELP myself.  I always thought I should be a therapist.  I have this uncanny ability to draw people in.  I can stand in a line and just have people start talking to me.  They will unearth their personal secrets.  I have to do nothing.  I wonder why sometimes.  What is that they see in me, that I don’t see in myself??